He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
