We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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