My room smells like vodka and shame
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
