so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
