so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
