I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
