I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Randomize
