There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
