Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
