you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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