having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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