I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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