i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
