so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
