Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
