So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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