I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
