i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
