3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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