I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
