So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
