my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
