Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
