He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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