dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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