I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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