Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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