i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
