ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You may now shotgun with the bride
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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