Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
