Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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