Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
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I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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