How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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