Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
