you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
