he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
