another moral hangover. fuck.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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