Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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