I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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