dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize