Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
