the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
