Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
