She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
