I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
