I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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