Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
