I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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