what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
