Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
