i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
