So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
