K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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