I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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