so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
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A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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