Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
