I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
