final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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